Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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