At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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