Texts From Last Night

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  (818): View more from California

  Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.

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  (818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life. http://tfl.nu/wz8b
  Replies (10) Good night (713) Bad night (1292)
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

  (513): View more from Ohio

  so is it as big as he says?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

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  (216): he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out (513): so is it as big as he says? (216): he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit http://tfl.nu/hksl
  Replies (42) Good night (6219) Bad night (786)
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

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  (709): His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs" http://tfl.nu/qi7o
  Replies (27) Good night (5104) Bad night (1528)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

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  (202): All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well. http://tfl.nu/6mn8
  Replies (6) Good night (4221) Bad night (852)
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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  (252): I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship http://tfl.nu/ldcl
  Replies (21) Good night (4430) Bad night (1417)
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  (916): View more from California

  New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.

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  (916): New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know. http://tfl.nu/vjk4
  Replies (1) Good night (1548) Bad night (559)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics

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  (647): You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics http://tfl.nu/qir9
  Replies (4) Good night (1029) Bad night (411)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?

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  (843): Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets? http://tfl.nu/2734
  Replies (9) Good night (576) Bad night (836)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?

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  (425): Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism? http://tfl.nu/s1hj
  Replies (7) Good night (662) Bad night (504)
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.

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  (704): CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY. http://tfl.nu/twru
  Replies (6) Good night (1045) Bad night (420)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.

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  (570): You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20. http://tfl.nu/twif
  Replies (2) Good night (592) Bad night (328)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water

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  (614): You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water http://tfl.nu/21tc
  Replies (1) Good night (1191) Bad night (315)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.

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  (802): all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that. http://tfl.nu/3y8k
  Replies (2) Good night (630) Bad night (289)
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem

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  (905): My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem http://tfl.nu/inws
  Replies (2) Good night (263) Bad night (577)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  That's literally the perfect eulogy

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  (740): At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table." (414): That's literally the perfect eulogy http://tfl.nu/dxva
  Replies (2) Good night (892) Bad night (237)

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