no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
