So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
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Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
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i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.