Texts From Last Night

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  (760): View more from California

  Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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  (760): Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing. http://tfl.nu/culr
  Replies (29) Good night (913) Bad night (6250)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too

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  (610): on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too http://tfl.nu/acnp
  Replies (6) Good night (683) Bad night (4112)
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  (619): View more from California

  She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?

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  (619): She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser? http://tfl.nu/gbh0
  Replies (22) Good night (820) Bad night (4985)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

  (406): View more from Montana

  And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Amen.

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  (701): The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out. (406): And we all know God doesn't like sinners. (701): Amen. http://tfl.nu/nq0i
  Replies (14) Good night (6741) Bad night (910)
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.

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  (204): at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess. http://tfl.nu/unws
  Replies (6) Good night (2376) Bad night (1192)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

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  (416): i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino. http://tfl.nu/gey0
  Replies (3) Good night (1628) Bad night (998)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

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  (618): I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up. http://tfl.nu/sv5z
  Replies (4) Good night (1794) Bad night (1466)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.

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  (201): My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now. http://tfl.nu/1l2n
  Replies (8) Good night (2020) Bad night (1446)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex

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  (402): let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex http://tfl.nu/z1hh
  Replies (13) Good night (3202) Bad night (888)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Lmao sorry

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  (609): Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule (856): Lmao sorry http://tfl.nu/mr80
  Replies (2) Good night (2169) Bad night (807)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.

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  (816): We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have. http://tfl.nu/xov4
  Replies (9) Good night (1957) Bad night (590)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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  (617): I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me. http://tfl.nu/t0zt
  Replies (4) Good night (2618) Bad night (761)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.

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  (605): but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair. http://tfl.nu/hd3s
  Replies (4) Good night (1628) Bad night (946)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.

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  (318): PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard. http://tfl.nu/g9pr
  Replies (1) Good night (731) Bad night (353)
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.

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  (319): She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET. http://tfl.nu/1g2i
  Replies (9) Good night (1051) Bad night (383)

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