I have demons in me.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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