I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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