Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
