the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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