When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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