Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
