as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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