Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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