...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
These tits shall not be calmed
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
