I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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