If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
