so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
