just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
