Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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