You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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