you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
