My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
