If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
