Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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