My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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