no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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