Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sober January is a disaster.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
