There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
