You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
