I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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