she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's shark week go big or go home
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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