I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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