finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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