well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
