I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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