just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
