Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
