Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
And then he peed in my hair
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