I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He? As in you personified your dick?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
