I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
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Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
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No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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