2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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