he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
