My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
