i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize