jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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