I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
