Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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