i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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