I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
