You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
