had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.