i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
