I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
