I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
