I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
