I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
