if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
And then he peed in my hair
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