Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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