Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
