an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
