You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
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We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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