Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I came so hard my ears popped.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
