Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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